It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
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I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”