The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
when nothing goes right… go left
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives