My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”