Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Swedish for common sense.