There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
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Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.