My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
You Might Also Like
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.