Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.