No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
never deleting this app.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
real
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic