Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”