FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.