*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift