Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.