*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
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Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
こいつ天才
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.