My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!