Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
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You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
damn he’s good
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.