any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*bites zombie*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.