Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
“Why you watching this shit?”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.