The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Optional boss fight.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.