I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.