A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Bed should get ready for ME
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.