May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
You Might Also Like
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I hope they boil the right one.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!