No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
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Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Thoughts
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.