OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
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*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My favorite farside!!
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Omg 🤣
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I love it all
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?