“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
“OMGJK” -atheists
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.