What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
“OMGJK” -atheists
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.