My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Barbie gone wild
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.