If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
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Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Have a lovely day 😊
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
hmmm
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.