I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out