‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I can’t deal with men any longer
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed