7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
You Might Also Like
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
#NeverForget
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.