Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
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Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
live long and prosper!
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second