I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.