The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Sticker placement is key.