me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
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Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man