me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.