sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.