My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
You Might Also Like
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second