You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Breaking news:
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.