One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I have no passwords left in me
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’m not proud
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?