GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow