when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
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I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker