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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”