Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas