Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.