Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad