girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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War & Peace
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
2 years later
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS