bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
You Might Also Like
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.