When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god