Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
#damn
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.