Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.